A letter to our newborn at 4 weeks old.
I’m writing this as you feed
It’s around 3am. You haven’t stopped all day, but that’s ok. You need to grow. I feel confident we will find our groove, but I still can’t help but feel lost as to what to do. Am I doing it right? Should there be a routine? When do I introduce a bottle? I so want to go outside and get some semblance of what I knew before but am too tired. I know that will make me a better Mum to not shut myself away, a mum with more patience and energy. For the first time in ages I cannot manage a shower a day. I do manage to put on nice clothes and a bit of makeup, if we go to the hospital, or have people round, but not yet anything more. But this is not about me. I’m truly exhausted but so in love with you . You came into our life like a whirlwind three weeks before your due date. My waters broke at 1:30am and by the time I had got my clothes on my contractions had started and they quickly gathered pace and intensity. In the car to st James’ it was one in 2 minutes. It was then knew you were not far away.
You are now just under 4 weeks olf. The night shift as we call it, is a beautiful yet challenging time. You do sleep occasionally in the day, and don’t really cry. I would like to think this is because you
are a happy babe. But at night, I place you on your back but you don’t want to stay there.
“He gets lonely” the midwife said well those words broke my heart, I never want you to feel lonely so we will never let you cry out. I only want the sleep so I can make sure I can look after you properly… besides, I’ll miss the long feeds when they no longer happen I know it. Derek my rock and your daddy comes in at 6 to take you before work, the relief of sleep nearly brings me to tears which makes me feel bad as all the blogs and articles say enjoy every moment. It’s not that I want to leave you, I’m just tired that’s all. I am though in many ways loving every minute, your little heart shaped face, perfect pout, long eyelashes above deep blue and searching. The way your reflexes jolt your little legs back in and the sweet little murmurs you make when you’re sleeping make our hearts’ melt. Or Rooting for a feed or sleeping on our chests the “snapping turtle” you’re perfect as you are and I want to breathe you in. The other day you were bring changed and you cried and it was the first time I saw real tears in your eyes. I’ll never forget that you looked so fragile and helpless.
I know you’re not going to be when you grow up, I just have a feeling you will be amazing in every way. You have such a personality so far, so clever, and so serene. You are getting so strong already. But for now you’re still so small.
Ps You have three animal modes which are beyond adorable- snapping turtle when you want to feed (on anyone who has offered their comfort) baby goat when you cry and wriggling worm. They’re wonderful. Just like wonderful you.
We love you Oscar Raine Charnley.